Going for a Song

Less than TWO MONTHS TO GO! We have finished sorting everything out now though, apart from the transport and the drink and the flowers and the tie and the honeymoon and the invites and the vows and the shoes and the legal documentation.

Oh, and the music! We're asking our guests to come up with suggestions. Here are some helpful ideas I received from Dan K.

"Regarding the wedding playlist, perhaps you might like to consider the following.

1. Before the ceremony, when guests are assembling in the conservatory...

The Geto Boys - Mind of a Lunatic, Trigger Happy N***a, Let a Ho be a Ho

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Kanye West - Gold Digger

Pet Shop Boys - What Have I Done To Derserve This?

Beautiful South - Don't Marry Her, **** Me

2. During Ellie's stroll down the aisle...

Iron Maiden - Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter

The Ramones - The KKK Took My Baby Away

Morrissey - You're The One For Me, Fatty

3. While the books are being signed, and we all stand around waiting for the champagne...

Agoraphobic Nosebleed - Blind Hatred Finds a Tit

Everclear - So Much For The Afterglow

Futureshock - Why, Why, Why?

4. Your first dance...

Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Khia - My Back, My Neck, Lick It

50 Cent - P.I.M.P

Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado - Maneater

Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back

DJ PK - Smack Her Wit A Dick

5. As the happy couple head off into the night...

The Doors - The End"

Thanks, Dan! And thanks also to Dan W, who introduced me to the Greatest Song Ever Recorded. I think we've found our wedding band!

Vera Wan*, more like

I have a wedding dress! Or at least, I have chosen a wedding dress. Turns out you can't just walk into a shop and buy one, as with normal dresses. You must choose one first and then they make it for you. I like to think of "they" as a team of happy singing mice, like the ones in Cinderella.


However, I think we all know the likely reality.


Anyway, the important thing is I have a wedding dress. And it's not horrible, despite the best efforts of the lady in the wedding dress shop in Sydenham. Yes, Sydenham. "I am no snob," I said to myself. "The wedding dress shop in Sydenham is sure to be good enough for me. Why should it be any different to other wedding dress shops just because it is in South East London?" Because it is in South East London, I should have answered myself.

The lady in the wedding dress shop was very nice, and I cannot fault her in terms of cheerful demeanour. However, I think my vision of my wedding dress (stylish, sophisticated, understated yet impactful) clashed with hers (what would happen if the Emmanuels, Jackie Onassis and Anne Summers got drunk near a sewing machine).


The lady brought me dress after dress, and forced me to try them on even when I said things like, "Hmm, I'm just not sure about the giant crystal bow, especially what with all the lilac netting." I had to stand on a podium in the middle of the shop so Alice and my Mum could look at me and try not to cry. Mainly with laughter.

At one point I agreed to try on a necklace. The lady came back with a tiara, which she jammed onto my head as though experimenting with a glamorous new method of trepanning. I looked at myself in the mirror, on the podium, and gave a little wave. I can't think what it all reminded me of.


"I think I ought to go away and have a think about things," I told the lady.

"Just so you know, you can buy this sample dress if you like," she said. "It's much cheaper. Only £450."

"Um," said Alice, "I'm not sure it quite fits."

"Well," said the lady, jamming two fingers into the bodice and halfway through my spine, "She'll just have to lose weight, won't she?"

We made our excuses and left.

So I didn't end up buying my wedding dress in Sydenham. I bought it somewhere else, but I'm not going to reveal where or what it's like in case Pete is reading this. Here's a hint, though; imagine what this dress might look like on the other side of the pond...

Now I just have two more dresses to find!

You say tomato, I say foie gras filo parcels with a pomegranate jus

Being engaged has taken my relationship with Pete to a new level. Never have we been so together and connected. Since the process of planning the wedding began we have felt inextricably bound, as though strapped to a runaway rollercoaster that screams relentlessly and inevitably through a terrifying endless void, having paid £15,000,000 to get into the theme park.

That's not to say there hasn't been the odd ruction, of course. Here are a few of the things we have argued about so far: Food. Drink. Vows. Music. Transport. Whether wearing a black suit, white shirt and thin black tie is indeed "cool", or in fact "Far too nineties. Who am I marrying, Mr f***ing Orange?"

Whether 36 sombreros is too many or not enough. Whether there should be a raffle. Whether we should buy a reasonable amount of alcohol or far too much, with a view to there being leftovers for after the wedding (thanks to Mr Miller for providing the argument-winning line, "It's not like you're buying bloody hummus.").

Whether the statement "I know this guy who's going to do the bar / flowers / photographs / DJing / food" should be taken literally, or whether the listener should psychically interpret it to actually mean, "I know this guy who once told me, in a pub, in 2006, while drunk, that his sister's workmate's cousin once worked in a bar / did work experience at a florists / has quite a good digital camera / knows how to work iTunes / tried to set up a catering business but failed."

Still. Dr Phil says, "If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated," as I reminded Pete after I locked him out of the flat in his Speedos.

Best man or Gok Wan?

Pete's best man, referred to here as Kitchon for obvious legal reasons, has been in touch. Clearly he has been reading this blog, for he writes: "I would like to put your mind at ease. There will be no service station shoes at YOUR wedding. I will work with you to ensure that Peter makes the right 'style choices'." Phew.

Kitchon continues, "I would like to suggest our partnership in this project remains secretive, since our man will be easily spooked if he suspects he is being told what to wear. The objective here is make Peter think it was he who made decisions, when in reality he is following YOUR stylistic vision. Please send me information on your wedding themes, colour wheels, tone & texture books etc."

Already, Kitchon has come up with some excellent ideas for the mood board:

'Some day my prince will come...'


"This is more traditional a look," he writes. "Big in Denmark I'm told. Capes are a lot of fun. Obviously we'd change the feather to compliment the signature colours of your bridal gown and a small boy could be rented for a negligible cost."

'July the 24th be with you'


"This is a timeless look and I love the spats - nice touch. However, it would require a bit of updating. Four button jackets are a bit 1995, so we'd change down to a two button jacket."

'Save a horse, ride a cowboy'


"A hot look. However, we'd have to get Pete on the Maximuscle quick sharp. Barnes and myself are ready to go."

I love them all! But which look will Pete feel most comfortable in? Please vote in this week's poll to help me decide...

A hopeful request

Subject: Szmanda

From: ellie@*********.net

Date: 16/12/09 13:07

To: info@bwr-la.com

Hi there, I understand you represent Eric Szmanda, star of CSI: Las Vegas and the (to my mind woefully overlooked) romantic comedy '100 Girls'.

I am a big fan of CSI: Las Vegas (it is my third-favourite TV show) and Eric Szmanda's work in particular. It is for this reason that when picking a date for my wedding next year I chose 24th July - Eric Szmanda's birthday!

I do appreciate Eric Szmanda may be otherwised engaged on his birthday, perhaps sharing cake with Marg Helgenberger and George Eads. However, I would be honoured if he would show respect for the fact that it is also MY special day by attending my wedding.

The wedding will be in London which I know is a long way to come. However we would be happy to put Eric Szmanda up for a few days and I am sure he would enjoy exploring the surrounding area, comparing the sunny boulevards of LA to the streets of Lewisham etc.

If Eric Szmanda is not available, I would consider extending the invitation to any of your other celebrity clients who have birthdays on 24th July. However please note space is very tight so it would have to be someone of Eric Szmanda's caliber or above, i.e. no one from NCIS or Bones (Boreanaz being the obvious exception).

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Ellie

Fingers crossed!

Loafers or flip-flops?

Many thanks to all those who voted in the recent poll. The question was:

"We are on a tight budget. Which of these wedding costs should we skimp on?"

The lines are now closed, the votes have been counted and the results are in:

Suit - 35%
Guests related to Pete - 40%
Shoes - 50%
(No I don't understand the maths either)

So good news, Grandad - you CAN come after all!

I'm sure Pete won't mind about the shoes. After all, let us think back to that sunny Saturday in 2007 when a group of us were on our way to someone else's stupid ****ing wedding. We stopped off at a motorway service station for lunch.

Next to the Costa Coffee was a shop selling men's shoes. "Ha ha," I said. "Look at that. What kind of a person would buy shoes in a service station?"

"Um," said Pete. "I think I forgot to pack my shoes."

And so, Pete attended a wedding in a pair of shoes he purchased at a service station. Perhaps not for the last time.

Mind you, I could really see him in these:

Speed dating

On reflection, we decided to have just one wedding after all and we have set the date! Following extensive discussions ("What about July? I know we said September but frankly I'd rather just get it over with so I can stop worrying about how much napkins cost" "OK"), we have decided to have our wedding on Saturday 24th July 2010.

"That will be fine," I thought. "Seven months is plenty of time to organise what is basically a big stupid ****ing party."

Then I started telling people we are getting married in July. People who have never been married go, "Cool." People who have been married go, "WHAT??"

Then they say things like, "Well, you have a lot to do," or "Gosh, you have a big challenge there," or "Are you ****ing inSANE?"

Then I think they see the terror in my eyes because they say, "Ha ha don't worry, it will be fine, ha ha."

I know they are trying to make me feel better. The only way they could actually make me feel better is by saying, "Ha ha don't worry, I took the precaution of booking a venue, florist, car and photographer for you some years ago, and I know a professional caterer who will do all the food for free, and I have trained a team of singing mice to make your dress." No one ever says this.

Still. July 24th is an AUSPICIOUS DAY, judging by my extensive research on Wikipedia. It is of course the day slavery was abolished in Chile (1823), the World Chess Federation was founded in Paris (1924) and 48 people were killed in a fire at a home for the elderly in Pittsburgh, Pennysylvania (1931).

It is also the birthday of Alexandre Dumas, Robert Graves and Luke Mitchell ("Scottish murderer"). Even better, Jennifer Lopez! And best of all - Eric Szmanda, who plays Greg Sanders in my third-favourite TV show, CSI: Las Vegas! TRULY an auspicious day.

SZMANDA!

Perhaps we should invite him to the wedding?

A disappointing response

To: ellie@*********.net

From: fdress@angels.uk.com

Ellie,

Thank you for your email. I'm afraid we only have straw sombreros here. I'm not sure where you would find a white/silver one suitable for a wedding, although, what a fab idea! Sorry we can't be of more help on this occasion and good luck with your search.

Angels Fancy Dress
119 Shaftesbury Avenue
London WC2H 8AE