Friday, 23 July 2010

Desperately Seeking Eric

Subject: Re: Szmanda

From: ellie@*********.net

Date: 23/07/10

Dear Eric Szmanda's agent,

Despite sending several emails, I still have not heard from you re: Eric Szmanda attending my wedding on his birthday.

I would appreciate a reply. If Eric Szmanda will not be joining us, I will offer his invitation to someone on the waiting list. I know Grandma
would love to be a part of the big day after all.

Obviously I'd rather have Eric Szmanda there, though. The more interviews I read with him, the more I just feel there are so many parallels between the story of mine and Pete's love and the life and work of Eric Szmanda.

For example, take Eric Szmanda's explanation of his long-term commitment to CSI: Las Vegas: "My character's gradual evolution from lab tech to CSI level three has kept me interested and challenged on a creative level." He could be talking about us.

Plus, I am sure any wedding breakfast speech he delivered would be full of wise words and piercing insight.
After all, who could disagree with the statement: "If anybody found a five year-old boy stuffed in a tupperware box, they'd be taken aback."

There are just 24 hours to go now but that's plenty of time to fly from LA to Lewisham. Accommodation shouldn't be a problem - I just checked and the Novotel still has Superior rooms available. Although a star of Eric Szmanda's stature would probably be more comfortable in one of the Executive ro
oms (hair dryers and Nespresso).

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,


Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Always the Bridesman

Jon F has fully thrown himself into the role of bridesman. On the day, he's going to take care of the more manly duties while the bridesmaids and I get ready. As Jon puts it, "You'll all be worrying about blusher and garters and whether people can see your hip flasks through flimsy satin."

He's also going to get a guestbook for us ("John Lewis do a nice unicorn and sealskin blend") and is hunting down an oyster-coloured silk iPhone pouch.

But most of all, Jon F has been brilliant at helping me to remember I am a strong independent woman. For example, I am not sure whether to wear flowers in my hair. When I have attempted this look before it has been met with scathing disdain by Pete.

However, Jon F has some wise words. "Don't let him oppress you at this early stage," he writes. "If you want to wear flowers, wear f***ing flowers. It's your big day, not his. Or, I can make you a tiara tonight."

At least the colour scheme for the evening buffet is sorted. When I explained my stylistic vision for it to Pete, I asked if he minded that some people might think it is "a bit camp".

"No," he said. "I have already accepted that the only way this wedding could be any gayer would be if it were a civil partnership."

Can't wait to see Jon F tomorrow. He's going to join me and the bridesmaids at the nail bar to put the "man" in "manicure".

"I've not cut my nails for a week now, to give them more scope," he writes. "Thinking either palm trees or "chastity" in arabic."

Meanwhile, Minkley has run his wedding outfit by me for approval:

Two thumbs up!

Three More Poor Quality Sleeps

Just a few days to go now. How exciting! So exciting that I feel like jumping up and down, and waving my hands in the air, and spitting the little bit of sick that comes up at passers by.

I had several nightmares last night. In one, I dreamt that it was my wedding day and nothing was ready and it was a total fiasco. But it was all right, because then all my friends revealed they had played a hilarious practical joke on me, and the wedding wasn't for another four days!

In another, I dreamt that it was my wedding day and nothing was ready and it was a total fiasco. But it was all right, because then I woke up and realised it was just a dream, and the wedding wasn't for another four days! But then I realised the wedding is in another four days, and nothing is ready and it is a total fiasco!

I'm sure it will be fine. Despite the fact we haven't bought all the booze yet. Or anything to drink it out of. Or got enough high chairs. And the coach company's gone bust.

We haven't written our vows yet, either. Following endless arguments about whether to use quotes from Happy Gilmore or the lyrics to Angry Anderson's Suddenly, I have come up with a compromise - multiple choice vows.

For example:

"Do you promise to:

a) Love me forever and ever, till death do us part
b) Love me for about four years, then have an affair with someone at work
c) Love me for as long as it takes for you to realise you're gay"

We might just go with the wording supplied by Lewisham Council.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Take a Vow

So then. Two weeks.


"You must have everything sorted out now then," says everyone.

"Oh yes, everything's sorted out," I say, while a montage flashes through my head of the disco lights and the security deposit and the extra buttonholes and the beer kegs and the seating plan and the mini-cabs and the wine glasses and all the other things we haven't sorted out.

Then there are the vows.

Several months ago, sitting in a brightly lit room in Lewisham registry office, the idea of writing our own vows seemed bold and romantic. Now it just seems difficult and stupid.

I turned to our friends for inspiration. Jon F suggested I begin with, "I made it through the wilderness; somehow I made it through," to which Pete could respond, "Didn't know how lost I was until I found you."

Barnes came up with the idea of me saying the following to Pete while he stands with his back to me, arms folded: "Salt and Pepa's hit, and we're in effect. Want you to push it, babe. Coolin' by day, then at night working up a sweat. Come on girls, let's show the guys that we know how to become number one in a hot body show. Now push it."

Then, suggested Barnes, Pete could jump round to face me and I could jump round so my back was turned to him, with my arms crossed, "perhaps nodding to the beat". Pete would pledge his undying love and commitment to me by reciting, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop, yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss. Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed. Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now push it."

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Friday, 9 July 2010

Sailor Jerrymandering

It's over.

Despite a valiant and inspired last-ditch attempt to secure sponsorship by Cat, the man from Sailor Jerry, he say...

From: Sailor Jerry PR Dept
Subject: Sailor Jerry - National Media Coverage

Hi Cat,

We really appreciate your email, thanks for getting in touch about this opportunity.

I'm not sure that this is quite right for Sailor Jerry, however we wish Ellie and Pete the best of luck for the future.

Best wishes

Sailor Jerry

I can't believe it. SEL-FISH. After all the free publicity Sailor Jerry has had on this blog, not to mention in Forest Hill Wetherspoon's when I stand up at 11.24pm on Friday nights and shout "Let's all have a Sailor Jerry's!" and everyone cheers, except for the old man in the coat with sick down the front who sits in the back and thinks it's still the war.

I'm just going to have to find an alternative.