Thursday, 14 January 2010
To: email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Hello / OK magazine (delete as applicable),
I am getting married on Saturday 24th July. Not long I know, so I would like to open the bidding war for the photos. Please can you advise re: first steps to getting this kicked off?
He writes: "Here is the first draft of the celebratory poem. Please bear in mind that I have struggled to find the right poetic "vehicle" to express the many emotions I am simultaneously feeling whenever I think about your wedding.
VERSE 1 (TBC):
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Ellie's getting married
It's her special f***ing day
"To give you an idea of how I am approaching this, I have also included a few aspirational images from my "mood wall" that have assisted in the creative process."
Friday, 8 January 2010
Date: 08/01/10 13:28
To: Sailor Jerry contact form
Dear makers of Sailor Jerry,
I am a big fan of your delicious rum. I particularly enjoy the subtle hint of vanilla, the delicate undertone of lime and the way it tastes like Dr Pepper with four extra spoons of sugar in. Well done everyone.
Following my extensive research on wikipedia, I understand Sailor Jerry is based on recipes handed down by ocean-going sailors who had access to the finest spices from the furthest corners of Asia and the Far East. I like to reflect on this and imagine their exotic adventures while enjoying some Sailor Jerry down at my local Wetherspoons in Forest Hill, South East London.
Which is where I was last night, in fact, drinking Sailor Jerry with my fiance and friends while discussing plans for our forthcoming wedding. That's when we came up with the idea.
We are holding our wedding reception in an unlicenced venue and are supplying all the alcohol ourselves. As Sailor Jerry is our favourite drink, and hugely popular with all our friends (except Oli, but he's half Swiss), we would love to offer it to our guests.
Unfortunately, our budget for the wedding is extremely low. I know Sailor Jerry is only £1.50 in Wetherspoons (with mixer) but there will be over 100 people at the wedding, so I calculate a potential Sailor Jerry's bill of over £5000. Not to mention the transport costs involved with transferring all those glasses from the Wetherspoons to the reception (I did ask if we could have the reception there but apparently they don't allow dry ice).
So... What if Sailor Jerry was to sponsor our wedding? In exchange for some of your delicious elixir we'd be happy to let you decorate the venue with Sailor Jerry merchandise - beer mats, t-shirts, life-size inflatable models of Sailor Jerry himself etc. We could print a tagline of your choice and URL on the wedding invites, and we'd be sure to say a big thanks to Sailor Jerry in all the wedding speeches (there are likely to be at least 14). There are plenty of other options we could discuss e.g. dressing the ushers up as sailors, bridesmaids as dockside wenches, tattoos etc. What do you think?
Best regards, and thanks again for making such a lovely drink,
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
That's not to say there hasn't been the odd ruction, of course. Here are a few of the things we have argued about so far: Food. Drink. Vows. Music. Transport. Whether wearing a black suit, white shirt and thin black tie is indeed "cool", or in fact "Far too nineties. Who am I marrying, Mr f***ing Orange?"
Whether 36 sombreros is too many or not enough. Whether there should be a raffle. Whether we should buy a reasonable amount of alcohol or far too much, with a view to there being leftovers for after the wedding (thanks to Mr Miller for providing the argument-winning line, "It's not like you're buying bloody hummus.").
Whether the statement "I know this guy who's going to do the bar / flowers / photographs / DJing / food" should be taken literally, or whether the listener should psychically interpret it to actually mean, "I know this guy who once told me, in a pub, in 2006, while drunk, that his sister's workmate's cousin once worked in a bar / did work experience at a florists / has quite a good digital camera / knows how to work iTunes / tried to set up a catering business but failed."
Still. Dr Phil says, "If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated," as I reminded Pete after I locked him out of the flat in his Speedos.
Kitchon continues, "I would like to suggest our partnership in this project remains secretive, since our man will be easily spooked if he suspects he is being told what to wear. The objective here is make Peter think it was he who made decisions, when in reality he is following YOUR stylistic vision. Please send me information on your wedding themes, colour wheels, tone & texture books etc."
Already, Kitchon has come up with some excellent ideas for the mood board:
'Some day my prince will come...'
"This is more traditional a look," he writes. "Big in Denmark I'm told. Capes are a lot of fun. Obviously we'd change the feather to compliment the signature colours of your bridal gown and a small boy could be rented for a negligible cost."
'July the 24th be with you'
"This is a timeless look and I love the spats - nice touch. However, it would require a bit of updating. Four button jackets are a bit 1995, so we'd change down to a two button jacket."
'Save a horse, ride a cowboy'
"A hot look. However, we'd have to get Pete on the Maximuscle quick sharp. Barnes and myself are ready to go."
I love them all! But which look will Pete feel most comfortable in? Please vote in this week's poll to help me decide...