Friday, 18 December 2009

A hopeful request

Subject: Szmanda

From: ellie@*********.net

Date: 16/12/09 13:07


Hi there, I understand you represent Eric Szmanda, star of CSI: Las Vegas and the (to my mind woefully overlooked) romantic comedy '100 Girls'.

I am a big fan of CSI: Las Vegas (it is my third-favourite TV show) and Eric Szmanda's work in particular. It is for this reason that when picking a date for my wedding next year I chose 24th July - Eric Szmanda's birthday!

I do appreciate Eric Szmanda may be otherwised engaged on his birthday, perhaps sharing cake with Marg Helgenberger and George Eads. However, I would be honoured if he would show respect for the fact that it is also MY special day by attending my wedding.

The wedding will be in London which I know is a long way to come. However we would be happy to put Eric Szmanda up for a few days and I am sure he would enjoy exploring the surrounding area, comparing the sunny boulevards of LA to the streets of Lewisham etc.

If Eric Szmanda is not available, I would consider extending the invitation to any of your other celebrity clients who have birthdays on 24th July. However please note space is very tight so it would have to be someone of Eric Szmanda's calibe
r or above, i.e. no one from NCIS or Bones (Boreanaz being the obvious exception).

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,


Fingers crossed!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Trains, Planes and Honda Civics

Chief bridesman Jon F has come up with some stellar ideas for transport to the wedding, assuming plans to hire Charles and Diana's open-top carriage / the Ecto-1 fall through. Here are his suggestions:


"I think this could be particularly magical," writes Jon F. "I’m looking into the option of curtains – not all of the journey through SE London will be especially picturesque, you may need privacy at some point &c."


"This is coming in cheaper than option 1 but I can’t get insurance quotes. HIGH RISK."


"I like this option, which reflects an important part of both bride and groom’s lives. I just need to call into the venue to measure the lawn but I can’t see any major obstacles. (If needs be there’s time for rebuilding in the immediate area – I’m checking to see whether the venue is listed, what the planning restrictions look like etc). We’d need to discuss whether you arrive in this OR whether you leave on honeymoon, so on, so forth. So TBC."


"Finally, throwing a Honda Civic convoy into the mix? John B could drive you to the ceremony. We could have them sprayed gold??"

A lot to think about.

Loafers or flip-flops?

Many thanks to all those who voted in the recent poll. The question was:

"We are on a tight budget. Which of these wedding costs should we skimp on?"

The lines are now closed, the votes have been counted and the results are in:

Suit - 35%
Guests related to Pete - 40%
Shoes - 50%
(No I don't understand the maths either)

So good news, Grandad - you CAN come after all!

I'm sure Pete won't mind about the shoes. After all, let us think back to that sunny Saturday in 2007 when a group of us were on our way to someone else's stupid ****ing wedding. We stopped off at a motorway service station for lunch.

Next to the Costa Coffee was a shop selling men's shoes. "Ha ha," I said. "Look at that. What kind of a person would buy shoes in a service station?"

"Um," said Pete. "I think I forgot to pack my shoes."

And so, Pete attended a wedding in a pair of shoes he purchased at a service station. Perhaps not for the last time.

Mind you, I could really see him in these:

Speed dating

On reflection, we decided to have just one wedding after all and we have set the date! Following extensive discussions ("What about July? I know we said September but frankly I'd rather just get it over with so I can stop worrying about how much napkins cost" "OK"), we have decided to have our wedding on Saturday 24th July 2010.

"That will be fine," I thought. "Seven months is plenty of time to organise what is basically a big stupid ****ing party."

Then I started telling people we are getting married in July. People who have never been married go, "Cool." People who have been married go, "WHAT??"

Then they say things like, "Well, you have a lot to do," or "Gosh, you have a big challenge there," or "Are you ****ing inSANE?"

Then I think they see the terror in my eyes because they say, "Ha ha don't worry, it will be fine, ha ha."

I know they are trying to make me feel better. The only way they could actually make me feel better is by saying, "Ha ha don't worry, I took the precaution of booking a venue, florist, car and photographer for you some years ago, and I know a professional caterer who will do all the food for free, and I have trained a team of singing mice to make your dress." No one ever says this.

Still. July 24th is an AUSPICIOUS DAY, judging by my extensive research on Wikipedia. It is of course the day slavery was abolished in Chile (1823), the World Chess Federation was founded in Paris (1924) and 48 people were killed in a fire at a home for the elderly in Pittsburgh, Pennysylvania (1931).

It is also the birthday of Alexandre Dumas, Robert Graves and Luke Mitchell ("Scottish murderer"). Even better, Jennifer Lopez! And best of all - Eric Szmanda, who plays Greg Sanders in my third-favourite TV show, CSI: Las Vegas! TRULY an auspicious day.


Perhaps we should invite him to the wedding?

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

WHAT a nightmare

So we narrowed it down to three possible dates for the wedding and emailed the select close friends and family in the bridal party to make sure they're available. Turns out my driving instructor's on holiday on the 17th and the man from Favorite Chicken & Rib would rather go to his daughter's wedding on the 24th (selfish).

Plus I haven't heard back from Lizzy, Johan or Zac Efron. So there's only one thing for it - we're going to have three weddings to make sure everyone can come.

The problem being, obviously, I now need nine dresses. I'm considering this as another key look:

I'm concerned it's a bit too traditional, however. How about something more modern?

I think what I really want though is something in-between - classic yet stylish, elegant yet contemporary. I think Bertie may have found the answer:

Like something out of a Merchant Ivory film.

At least the honeymoon outfit is locked down.

A disappointing response

To: ellie@*********.net



Thank you for your email. I'm afraid we only have straw sombreros here. I'm not sure where you would find a white/silver one suitable for a wedding, although, what a fab idea! Sorry we can't be of more help on this occasion and good luck with your se

Angels Fancy Dress
119 Shaftesbury Avenue

London WC2H 8AE

Friday, 4 December 2009

At least the cake's sorted

As everyone knows, cake can make or break a wedding. The cake itself symbolises unity and festivity, while the age-old tradition of cutting the cake represents the desire the couple will have to stab each other within just a few short years.

Ideas for my special f***ing cake have so far included a spun-sugar model of the Crystal Palace transmission tower and a full-size fondant icing unicorn. (Or perhaps just the head, with a marzipan apple in its mouth.) But once again, Jon F has triumphed by coming up with this:


There will be three of us in this marriage

Jon F has agreed to be my bridesman! This is very exciting. Naturally he will be designing my wedding dress. So far we are focusing on three key looks:

I like them all so much I could not decide which one to go for, so I have come up with a solution - Diana for the ceremony, Margaret for the meal and Jordan for the evening reception. Jon F will be transforming himself into Charles, Lord Snowdon and Andre accordingly.

"DO NOT allow Pete to block this on grounds of cost," writes Jon F. "Three dresses may seem a lot, but four or five would literally cost more so this is actually an economy."

Thursday, 3 December 2009

"Whatever 'in love' means"

I cannot believe it. Pete and I are engaged!

Actually I can believe it because we've been together for six years, give or take 2007 - 2008, and I've been hinting that we should get engaged every six hours for the last six months. But still.

He asked me on Sunday and it was very romantic. Although at first it was very annoying because I was watching America's Next Top Model (cycle 8) at the time but at least we have Sky+. What was said was too private to put on the internet but let's just say the proposal involved crying, knees and jewellery. I have not felt so emotional since High School Musical 3.

We decided to get married next year. I now understand this is completely mad as apparently you need 14 years to plan a wedding properly. And £15,000,000.

In a bid to save money we said no to the three-course sit-down dinner and yes to a hog roast. Everyone likes hog roast, and surely it will be cheaper, we thought. After all it is basically a posh doner kebab.

But we forgot this is a special, extra expensive wedding doner kebab. Therefore it is apparently worth FIFTEEN HUNDRED POUNDS. That is not including salads and desserts, which cost that much again. So that's THREE THOUSAND POUNDS for a pig on a stick, a lettuce and a Viennetta.

It's almost as if everyone I've ever spoken to who got married wasn't lying about it being massively complicated, expensive and extortionate. Who knew?

So there was only one thing for it. We sat down with our bank statements, took a long, hard look at what we can afford, decided we have to be realistic and took out a £15,000,000 loan. After all, it is MY SPECIAL F***ING DAY.